Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Yes my dude

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Mornin

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

😂😭

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: