Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂