[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.