[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️