Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Glasses
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.