Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Google assistant rules

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it