Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
barbara was highly relatable
Good morning
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile