[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
War & Peace
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
multitasking lunch
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over