[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.