Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Rude much 😂😂😂

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?