[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
the answer was staring at me all along
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.