Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

not to brag, but mine was free

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet