Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

(Jupiter –

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”