Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.