[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
You Might Also Like
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I like long walks away from everyone
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
