[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder