[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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Hmmmmm
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My dog ate my work from home.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…