Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Mornin

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?