[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.