[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
a fate I wish upon no one
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.