Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Need WebMD

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

it’s the silliest best thing

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.