Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Put this video in the Louvre

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.