[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free