Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?