Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I just tested negative for patience.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great