Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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I need better friends
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?