Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
They’re called werewolves.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“You’d better run, egg!”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…