Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
🔦🌙👣
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.