Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
stand with me against insufficient seating
Beauty and the Beast
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome