[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Ferrari squats
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.