Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

“no gods no masters” = leo

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

ACED my prostate exam!

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea