thanksgiving in nutshell
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You are what you delete.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
uncle dave has been through hell
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.