thanksgiving in nutshell
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
This is always good for a laugh.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!