Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Does beer think about me too?

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]