Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?