Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

This cat wants you to take your pills

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.