My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.