@SwedishCanary

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

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@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@NewDadNotes

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

@jwoodham

Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@Parkerlawyer

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

@chadchaines

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@TheBossyBlonde

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.