@SwedishCanary

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

- @SwedishCanary

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@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@ArfMeasures

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

@DonQuickoats

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@pant_leg

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@HeyZeus666

What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.