Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101