Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

New menu item