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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I would like even faster food.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty