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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Me when I’m ovulating
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”