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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Reminder:
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.