thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You Might Also Like
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.