Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Today’s tshirt
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth