Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing