Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
CRYING
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Unimpressed
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”