Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second