Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again