Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Camel dough
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.