Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.