Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Phones down.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Why you watching this shit?”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?