thanksgiving should be called feaster
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.