thanksgiving should be called feaster
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Passwords are more important than ever.
