Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.