Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

they should invent a rest for the wicked

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

🧠

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.