@sarcasm_inc

-THAR SHE BLOWS
*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”

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@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@Browtweaten

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.

@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.