That 馃憡
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let鈥檚 not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I think I’m having a stroke
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it鈥檚 been years馃槍
Someone鈥檚 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you鈥檙e older
Me: turns directly to dust
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn鈥檛 Know Camera Is On
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Dr: You understand, after this you can鈥檛 father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license