That đ
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
A horror movie but itâs just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Her: We need a three-wayâŚ
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: âŚbulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Iâve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
*Struts like a peacock*
Iâll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw â it was 10 minutes long!
Me â my record, Write it down mister party pooper
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love âhoppyâ beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) Thatâs racist
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: âyou have mayo on your faceâMe: *dies alone
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when theyâve lost. Thatâs one of the reasons theyâre idiots.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be⌠a red Lego
âDaddy, I-â
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: âHOW MUCH DID-â
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
HER:He doesnât trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:Heâs always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You donât even have to be gay, itâs just a fun thing to do.
*comes back with wifeâs purse*
w: I said donât run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I put my baby picture as my whatâs app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was Âż
Due to personal reasons, Iâve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Just because youâve never met a time traveler doesnât mean there arenât any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess weâre both living the dream
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubikâs cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandmaâs, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Missing those days when âhemorrhoidsâ was just a challenging word to spell.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, youâre making a scene
Iâve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means theyâre old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.