That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
You Might Also Like
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
#StillHurts
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.