Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.