Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Limited budget

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.