Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
This kid is going places
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.