That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I can’t stop watching this.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
🤣🤣🤣
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’