That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family