Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?