That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
what it’s like dating me:
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers