That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
![]()
![]()
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
no regrets
![]()
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.