Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

I know a bad idea when I see one.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”