that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You Might Also Like
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
no one likes gloating
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.