that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Meow?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Good point.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.