that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now