Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

me talking to family:
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me talking to friends:
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me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
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[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

figuring out my emotional availability:

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.