Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

😅🤣😂

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet