Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

fourth time’s the charm

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there