That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.