Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

😂

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

me irl

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

🇺🇸🤭

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?