What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.