That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
#catsoftwitter
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.