Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this